Thursday, August 20, 2009

I Feel Like I'm My Own Mother

I was alone last night at the waiting area outside my doctor's clinic when it suddenly hit me: I FEEL LIKE I AM MY OWN MOTHER. I found myself sitting there, my hands on top of my belly with fingers intertwined against each other. Yes, it very much felt like I was my mother for I have seen her many times sit that way with the same kind of posture and gesture of the hands.

Unconsciously, there are so many other mannerisms and words I've blurted out that seem to be so similar to how my mother would act and speak. Sometimes, I find myself humming to my little girl at night and then stop suddenly because it seemed as if I was hearing my mother's humming, instead of my own voice. Other times, I would unintentionally say "Tatay" referring to my husband (I don't know if he ever noticed this). But you see, I never call my husband "Tatay" because he has always been "Hunny or Dad" to me and Zoe. It's my mother who would devotedly call my father as "Tatay", not "Benjie", not "Dad". I know, it's crazy.

These are just bits and pieces of the many things that I think I may have "inherited" from my mother. Because of these, I am reminded of her and feel mighty happy that she is mother. I just wish that I had more of her better traits: her simplicity, her order, her generosity, her love for God. If only I could be a little bit more like her and exude even a small bit of her great virtues.

Maybe I'm feeling all of these because she wants her spirit to be felt too. Maybe she wants me to feel that she's still there for me to accompany me in this pregnancy and new stage of motherhood. Or maybe it's simply because I missing her. So much.


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